Raccoon and Lobster

I couldn’t allow this enormous head of cauliflower to remain where I found him, silently plotting whatever it is that giant cauliflowers plot. Look at the tendrils of his green cauliflower leaf-hands. Can’t you see them unfurling oh-so-slowly? No? Just wait. You will.

Cauliflower, like trolls, are well known for their ability to regenerate, and the only defense against them rising up is to attack with fire or acid.

I chose to do both, first pummeling them with a blast of heat from my burners, and then finishing them off with the slow burn of my stomach acid.

My good deed for the day is done. You’re welcome, universe.

Sautéed Cauliflower

Cauliflower
vegetable oil
salt
pepper
minced garlic
chopped chives
crushed cayenne pepper flakes
grated Asiago cheese

Tear off leafy cauliflower hands and trim the stem. Rinse the monstrous creature under running water and cut it into small florets of roughly equal size.

Sauté in a skillet over medium heat with vegetable oil until golden brown. Season to taste with salt and pepper and add in the garlic. Remove from heat when the garlic is softened and fragrant and toss with the chives, cayenne pepper, and cheese. Eat with the satisfaction of a job well done.

Rocky: With great chicken comes great responsibility

Arthur: Chicken is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do

So I’m taking Arthur for a late night poop walk and as I head out the door I grab the crust of the pizza that The Boyfriend was eating so I could give it to him later. “Him” meaning Arthur, not The Boyfriend who is fully capable of pooping without my assistance. As soon as he gets the pizza crust into his mouth he falters and looks to find a place to eat his prize in peace. Being the bitch that I am, I keep walking and Arthur, flummoxed, follows. He veers left and right trying to disappear into the bushes but I keep marching forward and suddenly it becomes clear to me that Arthur is incapable of eating his pizza crust while he’s still walking. I start walking even faster and now he’s scampering as fast as his little furry legs can go and there’s no detours to chase squirrels or stray cats or mark on trees because dear god there is a pizza crust in his mouth and he doesn’t know how to get it in his stomach while his legs are moving.

Of course I can’t just let this go without documentation and seeing as how I never take my cell phone with me when I go anywhere, I have to get a camera from home without stopping so that Arthur can swallow his pizza crust. So I turn towards the house and cruise past my front door at a brisk jog, ringing the doorbell and running off. All I need is for The Boyfriend to figure out that I  need him to go grab his camera and hand it to me while I’m running back and forth down the block and without asking inane questions like “What?” and “Why?” and “What the hell are you doing?”

If it is 1am and I am running back and forth dragging a dog behind me and gesticulating wildly for you to Bring. Me. A. Camera. Dammit. you should just go ahead and bring me the camera and ask questions later so I don’t have to wake up the neighbors and ask them for their camera because this is clearly a blogging emergency. Needless to say my outbursts of “Arthur! Pizza! Camera! Go!!” coupled with frantic shooing motions do not produce the desired effect and now Rocky is in the yard trying to get in on the walking action and so I just grab his phone out of his hands (The Boyfriend’s phone, not Rocky’s. Rocky’s phone doesn’t have a camera that works in low light. And he doesn’t have hands.) and run back to Arthur and dash for the end of the block but the jig is up and the little bastard has remembered how to chew. I reach my hand down his throat and grab the soggy bits of crust out of his mouth and start running, holding the phone in one hand and trying to take a picture while shoving the pizza back into his mouth with the other but it’s too late and Arthur swallows the pieces before he starts running. I curse and head back home and The Boyfriend looks at me like I am mentally ill.

But read over this story again and you tell me who the real idiots are in this story because one of them can’t walk and chew at the same time and the other one is Arthur.

The Most Delicious Hat (also serves as a pretty mean tortilla)
Makes 8 8″ hats

2 cups flour (9.2 oz)
¼ cup shortening
2/3 cup warm water
½ teaspoon salt

Cut shortening into the flour with a pastry cutter. Dissolve salt into the water and add to the flour mixture. Knead for 2-3 minutes until smooth, cover with plastic wrap and let rest for at least 20 minutes. Divide into 8 pieces for 8″ tortilla hats, or more for smaller hats. Cook in a cast iron pan over medium heat until dotted with brown specks and flip, cooking time will vary depending on tortilla thickness. Cover finished tortilla hats while cooking the remainder to ensure that they stay soft and pliable. Overcooked hats will be slightly crunchy and can be used to make kibble burritos and summarily disposed of or turned into kibble quesadillas.

The Boyfriend is actually home every day this week so I get to cook for two for a change. Crêpes have been on the list to make for a while, ever since I acquired an honest to goodness crêpe pan at Surfas many moons ago. Strangely, the pan keeps magically de-seasoning itself and moving around in the kitchen, which makes me think the puppies have been up to no good. The Boyfriend denies any involvement. Hopefully your crêpe pan is free of this crazy voodoo curse.

Crêpes!
Makes about 18 crêpes

2 large eggs
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1 cup flour (4.6 oz)
3 tablespoons melted butter
2 tablespoons sugar
splash of vanilla

Optional tweaks:
sprinkle of cinnamon
sprinkle of nutmeg
splash of liqueur

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and whisk until well blended and no longer lumpy. Let rest for at least 5 minutes to let the bubbles to subside. You can even go so far as to make the batter the night before you serve the crêpes. Heat your pan over medium-low heat and melt a small pat of batter to coat. Pour about 1 ounce of batter into the pan and swirl the pan to distribute evenly. Cook 30 seconds or so on each side. Can be served plain with a dusting of sugar, or with jam, lemon curd, nutella, fresh fruit, cream, or whatever else you can think of.

Teasing the dog is purely optional.

Many faiths and cultures have holiday celebrations in the coming weeks, but the truly faithful know that December is when a very important figure was born. And although he came from humble beginnings, word of his miraculous birth spread quickly and he grew to be a moral and spiritual leader with followers all over the world. Every year, the anniversary of his birth is celebrated with great fanfare involving the gathering of families, sharing of food, and gifting of presents.

I speak, of course, of the birth of Rocky Raccoon.

‘Twas the night of his birthday, and all through the house

All the puppies were squeaking, with toys in their mouths.

Foul beasties are shaken.

And shaken some more.

Until piles of toy carcasses cover the floor.

This poem I am ending, because it’s a struggle to write,
So Happy Pupmas, to all, and to all, a good night!