Raccoon and Lobster

This is my first ever apple pie. Clearly, I am not very American. When it comes to the pie versus cake debate, I am pretty firmly on the side of Team Cake. There are those in the Cake Club that do not agree, however, and on their behalf, I agreed to attempt my first ever real pie. (Real pie being pie that involves two layers of crust and baked fruit, not things in pie pans that are called pie but are actually custards on a shell. French Silk Pie, while delicious, does not qualify.)

With a little help from Cook’s Illustrated, Smitten Kitchen, and Shuna Fish Lydon pastry chef extraordinaire, I managed to cobble (heh) together a lumpy heap of fruit wrapped in crust.

It smelled amazing. And seeing the steam rise out as it was cooling was pretty cool, I’ll admit. Very homey in a way that cake rarely manages to be.

The recipe called for 4 pounds of apples in two different varieties. Smitten Kitchen seemed to confirm this. The recipe instructions said to “mound slightly in center”. My pie pan was half an inch bigger than required. My apples were smaller than described so more of it was core and had to be discarded.

I was only halfway through the bowl of filling when I hit generously mounded status. Nonetheless, I was not about to question culinary gurus with far more baking experience than me. If the recipe says 4 pounds of apples, then by golly I am going to stuff 4 pounds of apples in that pie. The end result was an assertive high-rise of apples barely contained by a crust that was rapidly developing excess venting holes under the strain of enveloping such a load.

Of course, after it cooled and the steam escaped, the pile of apple filling collapsed to a reasonable height while the shell remained the original height. Hmph. I suppose that’s part of being rustic. Or something.

Superficialities aside, the crust was flaky and buttery, and the apple filling was tart and sweet and cinnamon-y and nutmeg-y in all the right ways . While the presentation may leave something to be desired, it seems as if the pie itself is a winner.

At every step of this recipe, the crust should be kept as cold as possible. If you are not actively handling it, it should be in the fridge.

All Butter Pie Crust via Shuna Fish Lydon (did I mention she used to be the pastry chef at The French Laundry?)

Makes enough for a pie top and bottom

2 cups of all purpose flour (I used 9.2 oz)
4 tablespoons sugar
8 oz butter, cut into equal pieces and frozen
½ teaspoon kosher salt (or about 1/4 teaspoon table salt)
ice water

Assemble all dry ingredients in the bowl of a stand mixer. Use paddle attachment on mixer and drop the butter in a few pieces at a time. When the chunks of butter are slightly larger than pea size, dribble in ice water until the dough just begins to come together. Do not wait until it forms a ball. It is ready when it stops looking dry and barely starts to bind to itself.

Stop the mixer and turn it on to a lightly floured work surface. Flour your hands and  just push the dough together into a ball. The dough is ready to use immediately without resting. Divide dough in half and refrigerate during other prep work.

Apple Pie via The New Best Recipe with a tweaks from Smitten Kitchen and Shuna

2 pounds Granny Smith apples
2 pounds McIntoch apples
1½ tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon zest
3/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt (or ½ teaspoon kosher salt)
½ teaspoon ground nutmeg
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon ground allspice
heavy cream for brushing
raw sugar for sprinkling

Preheat oven to 425°F and put your pie pan in the freezer.

Peel and core all apples and cut into 1/4″ slices. Toss with sugar, lemon juice, zest, salt, and spices.

Roll out a ball of dough onto a lightly floured surface. Dust hands and top of dough with flour and roll out into a circle about 12″ in diameter. Fold dough in quarters and unfold appropriately into the pie pan. Gently press the dough into the sides of the pan.

Move fruit mixture, including juices, into the pie shell. Refrigerate the pie while rolling out the top shell.

Place the top shell over the pie filling and trim the top and bottom edges of the dough to ½” beyond the edge of the pan. Tuck the rim underneath itself so it lies flat with the edge of the pan. Press with fork tines to seal. Cut four slits for steam to escape on the top of the dough.

Brush crust with cream and sprinkle with sugar. Bake for 25 minutes until the top is golden and reduce temperature to 375°F until the crust is deep golden brown and the juices bubble. Stick a baking sheet under the pie to catch any drips from the cream or the filling to make for easier cleanup.

Transfer to a cooling rack and let cool to almost room temperature, about 4 hours.

Mercilessly taunt the dogs moping under the table, hoping for pie.

I couldn’t allow this enormous head of cauliflower to remain where I found him, silently plotting whatever it is that giant cauliflowers plot. Look at the tendrils of his green cauliflower leaf-hands. Can’t you see them unfurling oh-so-slowly? No? Just wait. You will.

Cauliflower, like trolls, are well known for their ability to regenerate, and the only defense against them rising up is to attack with fire or acid.

I chose to do both, first pummeling them with a blast of heat from my burners, and then finishing them off with the slow burn of my stomach acid.

My good deed for the day is done. You’re welcome, universe.

Sautéed Cauliflower

Cauliflower
vegetable oil
salt
pepper
minced garlic
chopped chives
crushed cayenne pepper flakes
grated Asiago cheese

Tear off leafy cauliflower hands and trim the stem. Rinse the monstrous creature under running water and cut it into small florets of roughly equal size.

Sauté in a skillet over medium heat with vegetable oil until golden brown. Season to taste with salt and pepper and add in the garlic. Remove from heat when the garlic is softened and fragrant and toss with the chives, cayenne pepper, and cheese. Eat with the satisfaction of a job well done.

I can’t decide which is worse: missing a stick of butter because a puppy dog ate it, or missing a stick of butter because a puppy dog hid it. Either way, it’s not going to be pretty when I finally find evidence of the crime.

Rocky: With great chicken comes great responsibility

Arthur: Chicken is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do

So I’m taking Arthur for a late night poop walk and as I head out the door I grab the crust of the pizza that The Boyfriend was eating so I could give it to him later. “Him” meaning Arthur, not The Boyfriend who is fully capable of pooping without my assistance. As soon as he gets the pizza crust into his mouth he falters and looks to find a place to eat his prize in peace. Being the bitch that I am, I keep walking and Arthur, flummoxed, follows. He veers left and right trying to disappear into the bushes but I keep marching forward and suddenly it becomes clear to me that Arthur is incapable of eating his pizza crust while he’s still walking. I start walking even faster and now he’s scampering as fast as his little furry legs can go and there’s no detours to chase squirrels or stray cats or mark on trees because dear god there is a pizza crust in his mouth and he doesn’t know how to get it in his stomach while his legs are moving.

Of course I can’t just let this go without documentation and seeing as how I never take my cell phone with me when I go anywhere, I have to get a camera from home without stopping so that Arthur can swallow his pizza crust. So I turn towards the house and cruise past my front door at a brisk jog, ringing the doorbell and running off. All I need is for The Boyfriend to figure out that I  need him to go grab his camera and hand it to me while I’m running back and forth down the block and without asking inane questions like “What?” and “Why?” and “What the hell are you doing?”

If it is 1am and I am running back and forth dragging a dog behind me and gesticulating wildly for you to Bring. Me. A. Camera. Dammit. you should just go ahead and bring me the camera and ask questions later so I don’t have to wake up the neighbors and ask them for their camera because this is clearly a blogging emergency. Needless to say my outbursts of “Arthur! Pizza! Camera! Go!!” coupled with frantic shooing motions do not produce the desired effect and now Rocky is in the yard trying to get in on the walking action and so I just grab his phone out of his hands (The Boyfriend’s phone, not Rocky’s. Rocky’s phone doesn’t have a camera that works in low light. And he doesn’t have hands.) and run back to Arthur and dash for the end of the block but the jig is up and the little bastard has remembered how to chew. I reach my hand down his throat and grab the soggy bits of crust out of his mouth and start running, holding the phone in one hand and trying to take a picture while shoving the pizza back into his mouth with the other but it’s too late and Arthur swallows the pieces before he starts running. I curse and head back home and The Boyfriend looks at me like I am mentally ill.

But read over this story again and you tell me who the real idiots are in this story because one of them can’t walk and chew at the same time and the other one is Arthur.

The Most Delicious Hat (also serves as a pretty mean tortilla)
Makes 8 8″ hats

2 cups flour (9.2 oz)
¼ cup shortening
2/3 cup warm water
½ teaspoon salt

Cut shortening into the flour with a pastry cutter. Dissolve salt into the water and add to the flour mixture. Knead for 2-3 minutes until smooth, cover with plastic wrap and let rest for at least 20 minutes. Divide into 8 pieces for 8″ tortilla hats, or more for smaller hats. Cook in a cast iron pan over medium heat until dotted with brown specks and flip, cooking time will vary depending on tortilla thickness. Cover finished tortilla hats while cooking the remainder to ensure that they stay soft and pliable. Overcooked hats will be slightly crunchy and can be used to make kibble burritos and summarily disposed of or turned into kibble quesadillas.

The Boyfriend is actually home every day this week so I get to cook for two for a change. Crêpes have been on the list to make for a while, ever since I acquired an honest to goodness crêpe pan at Surfas many moons ago. Strangely, the pan keeps magically de-seasoning itself and moving around in the kitchen, which makes me think the puppies have been up to no good. The Boyfriend denies any involvement. Hopefully your crêpe pan is free of this crazy voodoo curse.

Crêpes!
Makes about 18 crêpes

2 large eggs
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1 cup flour (4.6 oz)
3 tablespoons melted butter
2 tablespoons sugar
splash of vanilla

Optional tweaks:
sprinkle of cinnamon
sprinkle of nutmeg
splash of liqueur

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and whisk until well blended and no longer lumpy. Let rest for at least 5 minutes to let the bubbles to subside. You can even go so far as to make the batter the night before you serve the crêpes. Heat your pan over medium-low heat and melt a small pat of batter to coat. Pour about 1 ounce of batter into the pan and swirl the pan to distribute evenly. Cook 30 seconds or so on each side. Can be served plain with a dusting of sugar, or with jam, lemon curd, nutella, fresh fruit, cream, or whatever else you can think of.

Teasing the dog is purely optional.

The tree has been procured. The presents have been opened. They days are getting longer. The server is no longer dying. There is a giant pile of wrapping paper sitting in the living room and the puppies are asleep on the sofa. We had a fabulous Winter Solstice Boxing Day, and hope you did too.