Raccoon and Lobster

Rocky: old, fat Elvis.
Arthur: skinny, young Elvis. After a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Rocky: textbook perfect teeth, maintains proper dental hygiene by flossing regularly.

Arthur: has hobo teeth just like his dad. Saving up for Invisalign.

Arthur: tripod
Rocky: biped

Notice was received today that a defamation suit was filed by attorneys on behalf of Mr. Rock Lobster, aka “Arthur” in regards to the post made on Monday June 25, 2007. We here at rockyandarthur blog stand behind our journalistic integrity and will not be strong armed by sue happy upstart puppies and their publicists. We will not apologize for our statements and we will not tear down the post. In fact, we have found in the archives photographic evidence of a certain pebbled crustacean engaging in a game of tug when he thought himself unobserved, leading one to the inevitable conclusion that his current actions coupled with the laughable legal dispute are nothing more than a publicity stunt, a charade intended to boost his appeal to the teenage demographic. We appeal to Mr. Lobster to cease this pretense of being the dumb sexually promiscuous blond and become a true role model to his fans.

Image from the archives of the Two Pups Historical Society

A new toy was purchased recently for the two pups, a Kong tug. What follows is a dramatic recreation of the past four days.

Day 1-

Arthur: thinks this is the best toy ever. Can’t wait to play with it, is totally in love with it, so excited to get a chance to play with it, wow, wow, wow. Oh…also has no idea what to do with it.
Rocky: grrrrrrrrrr.
Day 2-

Arthur: dances enthusiastically when tug toy is brought out. Sheer proximity to the toy is delightful and filled with fun. When retrieving other toys, will bring them to the tug toy, standing on top of it. If the tug is offered to him, he will bump it with his nose.

Rocky: grrrrrrrrrrr.

Day 3-

Arthur: if toy is put inside his mouth, will spit it out, looking for a reward. Understands that it is rude to fight over something that his alphas want.
Rocky: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Day 4-

Arthur: repeated praise and coaxing has convinced him that the masters desire him to hold the tug toy. Grips it delicately in his jaws, careful not to hurt it or put undue stress upon it.
Rocky: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Seriously, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Arthur: faithful and diligent retriever. Conscientiously fetches all thrown balls with earnest good-humor.
Rocky: opportunistic ball larcenist. Will run off at high speed with his globular prize, exulting at your failed attempts to recoup your rightful possession. It is theorized that he is in fact a Golden Pilferer*.

* The history of the Golden Pilferer dates back to Lord Swindleton, a renowned Victorian confidence man who misrepresented himself as a distant cousin to Baron Tweedmouth and procured one of the first retriever pups bred with Tweed water spaniel stock. It is believed that Reginald, Lord Swindleton’s pup, is the original inventor of the Melon Drop scam.

Rocky: will expel anal glands violently upon getting his tail brushed.

Arthur: will expel anal glands daintily upon getting tail brushed. Appears quite apologetic about the whole thing.

Exceedingly difficult to capture as the micro-tongue tends to disappear when photographic equipment is produced. It typically emerges during periods of intense concentration; usually this is when he is waiting to be released to eat food that is rightfully his. On one hilarious occasion it made its appearance during a particularly intense pee.

I have lost one pair of shoes, but I don’t blame him for it. They were unworn espadrilles, which fail on two fronts. Not only did they not smell like my shoes, but they were also mostly composed of a substance that he finds consummately edible. I may as well have left it next to my cheese hat and ham hoodie.